The Art of Navigating By The Stars

You ever get a phone call or letter (or e-mail in my case) that just makes you sit back and go "whaaat?". I did last night. It's taken me quite a while to get used to the reality that in less than three months I will be away from my home, my family, my friends, and everything I've ever known; two months after that I will be even futher away in another country. I know I can be rather cynical and sarcastic and rough around the edges, especially to my close friends; I suppose it may seem from the outside that these things aren't affecting me. But despite the way I may come across, those who know me well would attest that this has been far from an easy adjustment. There have been plenty of times that I've found myself thinking that I must be dreaming, that some other person is doing this, I have to be crazy. The ONLY thing that reassures me is the peace of God that this is His will. This has been a very slow process of me giving up control of my life to the Lord. And, of course, just as I've started to feel comfortable with things -- God has to throw it up in the air again. I had just started to get a feel for where I'll be going (Ambato, Ecuador) and what I'll be doing (volunteer coordinator), and He changes things. Now, it's to be Ibarra, Ecuador and doing church planting (or something like that, not really sure yet). True there's really not much difference in the what and the where, and I always knew changes were likely to come. But I guess psychologically I had started to get comfortable and at ease and, somewhere along the way, I think I stopped relying on God completely. I mean, hey, I already speak Spanish. My church trip in June is practically next door to Ambato. Even the job was something I felt at ease with. So going to Ambato wasn't going to be too hard as far as things go. But that's just the point isn't it? I wasn't trusting God. I was trusting me. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've been holding on to mirages and they've dissolved in my hand. So the Lord stepped in and forced me to stop and take a few steps back --

I can't do this on my own. It's still overwhelming. It's gotten easier I suppose, but only because the shock of it all has gotten numbing not because I'm dealing with it any better. I still sometimes feel like I'm looking at my life from the outside looking in. This is still pushing me waaay past anything remotely resembling a comfort zone. That's reality. That's what's real. And while I'm certainly excited and sure that this is the right path, a facade of confidence and ease is just that -- a facade. And trusting God is the only thing that will get me through to the end.

On a final note, I think the next several posts will be on lyrics from the album The Art Of Navigating By The Stars, by Sieges Even. I don't listen to a lot of music that I would describe as cerebral and beautiful and profound. This is. And the lyrics have really been speaking to me over the last couple of years. So more on that to come...