IV: Stigmata

"This feeling speaks
With the quiet flutes of fall
That disturb the sleep of sunken images
The memory of voices in abandoned rooms

Walk with me
Walk with me down to the river's edge
Walk with me
Where the secrets lie and wait

These wounds bleed
The solemn pride of mourning
An overwhelming pain nourishing the flame
The cold embrace of a breaking heart

Take this pain away
Don't take this pain away
Take this pain away
Don't take this pain away

Walk with me
Walk with me down to the water's edge
Walk with me
Where the mirrors lie and wait

This sadness speaks
Of golden plains and lakes of blue
Like the curse of wrathful God
Like dew dropping from a thorn
It speaks of things in secret toungues
And it is speaking out a name

Take this pain away
Don't take this pain away
Take this pain away
Don't take this pain away"

I like these lyrics so much because they remind me of myself. Sometimes as I think back on life, I want God to take away the pain, the heartache of some of the losses. I just want him to make it stop hurting. But I then I know that the pain is there for a reason. It's to make me change. And so usually I start out praying "take this pain away" but then later praying "don't take this pain away" just help me to learn from it. This also reminds me of something I read by C.S. Lewis. He said that pain is often (but not always) how God gets our attention. We can ignore pleasure and our own conscience and His small voice, but pain is His megaphone. When we hurt, we sit up and listen. So, no Lord, don't take this pain away. Show us what needs changing.

III: Unbreakable

"All around this fortress
Run the rivers of the dead
Broke what seemed to be unbreakable
Unreachable
Drowned what seemed to be impregnable
Infallible
Cold September rain, the summer's retreat
A tapestry of falling stars

This truth is small and truly trite:
There's no such thing as permanence
But losss is like an undertow
Pulling you down, pulling you down

Tonight I'm drilling holes
In the blueprint in my chart
To drain the liquid shades of grey
That run like rivers from my monument
To reach the core, to breathe again
To find the long lost words,
My credo and my curse:
We few, we happy few

When all the world turns to stone
And everything just stays the same
There's no safe harbour in our sight
All beauty sinks into the night
Still we are navigating by the stars

Because to me, because to me you were unbreakable
Because to me, because to me you were unbreakable
Nothing is, nothing was, nothing will ever be unbreakable

II: The Lonely Views of Condors

"Sometimes it's coming over me
Like a warm rain
Sometimes it's coming back to me
Like a memory
Just like the heat of endless winters
The cold of midday sun
It's the longest way a man can go
Sometimes it's more than I can take

Last night I spread my wings
Upon two worlds colliding
And somewhere in the monstrous distance
The world, it came down on me

Now I'm soaring on lost latitudes
A navigator with no chart
Looking down on all the colours that
Separate day from night

A world was lost the other day
And I'm choking on the sediment
And all the things that could have, would have been
Are the things that will not let me grow

Drifting through the bitter echoes
And the stillness far and wide
All alone with nameless phantoms
Chasing down a lonely road

Sometimes it's coming over me
Like a warm rain
Sometimes it's coming back to me
Like it's all destiny
And here I am
So close, and yet so far away from you
And here I stand
Lost in the echoes of goodbyes"

I: The Weight

"The view from here, it is so frightening
A world of tide pools, incompleteness all around

Roads and rivers are winding in a circle
Around a curled up monumental me
Oustide looking in, time and again
Feeling the weight of a jaded dream

And the view from here is frightening

Everything is so different now
The moon looks down with orphaned eyes
And the lighthouse sends out fragile signals
To a distant desert sea

Roads and rivers are winding in a circle
Around a curled up monumental dream
Outside looking in, time and again
Feeling the weight of a jaded me"

Hmmmm. I can certainly identify. Sometimes as I try to think ahead to the future and what's in store I can't help but think that the view from here is oh so frightening. Sometimes it feels like I'm lost at sea with only a distant lighthouse guiding me in. And when I start to think about things in terms of me, and what how it all affects my life, that's when I run into trouble. I gotta constantly put it in perspective and realize it ISN"T about me. I'm just one small piece in a very big world that God has under complete control. The view from here is frightening to me and I do feel an incompleteness all around, but God. He knows the future and controls it! What joy to let that burden go!

The Art of Navigating By The Stars

You ever get a phone call or letter (or e-mail in my case) that just makes you sit back and go "whaaat?". I did last night. It's taken me quite a while to get used to the reality that in less than three months I will be away from my home, my family, my friends, and everything I've ever known; two months after that I will be even futher away in another country. I know I can be rather cynical and sarcastic and rough around the edges, especially to my close friends; I suppose it may seem from the outside that these things aren't affecting me. But despite the way I may come across, those who know me well would attest that this has been far from an easy adjustment. There have been plenty of times that I've found myself thinking that I must be dreaming, that some other person is doing this, I have to be crazy. The ONLY thing that reassures me is the peace of God that this is His will. This has been a very slow process of me giving up control of my life to the Lord. And, of course, just as I've started to feel comfortable with things -- God has to throw it up in the air again. I had just started to get a feel for where I'll be going (Ambato, Ecuador) and what I'll be doing (volunteer coordinator), and He changes things. Now, it's to be Ibarra, Ecuador and doing church planting (or something like that, not really sure yet). True there's really not much difference in the what and the where, and I always knew changes were likely to come. But I guess psychologically I had started to get comfortable and at ease and, somewhere along the way, I think I stopped relying on God completely. I mean, hey, I already speak Spanish. My church trip in June is practically next door to Ambato. Even the job was something I felt at ease with. So going to Ambato wasn't going to be too hard as far as things go. But that's just the point isn't it? I wasn't trusting God. I was trusting me. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've been holding on to mirages and they've dissolved in my hand. So the Lord stepped in and forced me to stop and take a few steps back --

I can't do this on my own. It's still overwhelming. It's gotten easier I suppose, but only because the shock of it all has gotten numbing not because I'm dealing with it any better. I still sometimes feel like I'm looking at my life from the outside looking in. This is still pushing me waaay past anything remotely resembling a comfort zone. That's reality. That's what's real. And while I'm certainly excited and sure that this is the right path, a facade of confidence and ease is just that -- a facade. And trusting God is the only thing that will get me through to the end.

On a final note, I think the next several posts will be on lyrics from the album The Art Of Navigating By The Stars, by Sieges Even. I don't listen to a lot of music that I would describe as cerebral and beautiful and profound. This is. And the lyrics have really been speaking to me over the last couple of years. So more on that to come...

"The Fullness Of Time"

"It's all become so clear
And I have learned the
Truth behind the lies and seen the lies within the truth
Everythng in context finally makes sense
I see the paths I walked
Some I paved myself
Some where I went gladly
Some against my will...

Now I know the reason for the suffering
I'm a better person for having known the pain
A better person having overcome the pain"

Some lyrics from the song "The Fullness of Time" by Redemption. Very simple words, but very profound and very true. I won't say that everything in my past makes sense now, but a whole lot more does now than then. And some things that hurt real bad have been put in context and I can see that ultimately they were good for me. Sometimes I just won't change until it hurts. Others...I still don't understand...but I know it's in God's hands. And on some level I think everyone can identify...seems like some things only start to become clear in the fullness of time...God's time.

"How He Loves"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Chx6s3qXKt4

I think this is my favorite praise song ever. Watching this video from the guy who wrote it makes it that much more meaningful. Hope it inspires your day too!

Mirages

As I'm sitting here typing up a paper I'm listening to a band called To-mera. No, you've never heard them or even heard of them. No, you probably won't like them because it's very avant-garde progressive metal. I like them because they mix a kind of dark noire jazz atmosphere in with the metal. But what caught me this morning was their lyrics to the song "Mirage"

"Hush now, the morning's near
Her crystal light will wash away all your fear
Your teary eyes she'll blind with hope
She'll make you believe there's meaning to reveal
Make you believe yesterday couldn't be real

So wipe your eyes now and be brave
Let this false hope lead your way
This frail mirage might just warm your frozen heart
Brace yourself
There really is nobody out there to hold your hand - when you are ready to fail

Darling hush now, the night is near
To bury your pain in darkness and fear
And on the dusty roads we ride with nothing but our foolish pride
Trying to find the way forward
Desperately searching for who we really are

So close your eyes now and be brave
Let those dreams stand in your way
Their frail mirage might just warm your frozen heart
If it's all for the happy days
Don't turn around, don't look ahead for meaning
You will have to face the demons you've erased"

Ok so I don't agree with all the lyricist has to say, but it certainly made me stop and think. I think back on my own life and I can't help but agree with a few things. I think it is good to have hopes and dreams and desires for the future. I think we were made to want this and we need to have these things in our lives. But I also think we often stray from God here. I see so many people lurching from one broken hope to the next, one shattered dream to the next. And I've been there. We pick ourselves up after the fall and take encouragement that the future will be better. But wil it? Maybe I'm just cynical and nobody wants to hear it, but the truth is that the future won't necessarily be any better. Because so often we're not following what God has for our lives. When we're dependent on fulfilling our own hopes and dreams and not God's, we're left holding a mirage. Sure it may make us feel better to look ahead to a bright future where everything works out the way we dream it will. But how many times does that happen? It's just a mirage. It's empty. And it may not be fun to realize that now, but I for one would rather stare reality in the face than keep holding onto something that isn't real. Of course, this all sounds pretty hopeless and depressing isn't it? But it's not. Because there's something better than our own hopes and dreams. There's what God has for us. He has something better and more glorious and more fulfilling. And it's something that he has had for us since the dawn of time. Since before we were even born. It will incorporate your own hopes and dreams but in His own perfect plan. And I think that's more exciting than my own feeble efforts at life. I've held onto plenty of mirages until at last they dissolved and I was left with the cold, hard truth that they were never there to begin with. I'm tired of that. So over the past several years I've started down God's plan for my life. And boy is it better than anything I ever dreamed of. But before you let go of your mirages, do as Jesus suggests and count the cost. Because following Him will be costly. It will be hard. It will require sacrifice. On some level you may have to give up friends and family. So count the cost and be sure you are ready to make the sacrifices that He WILL ask of you. But in return He gives you a fulfilling life. Life and life to the full. To me that is so much better than my old life of clinging to vain hopes and dreams only to find that they are mirages that let me down. Are you riding down a "dusty road" in your life clinging to your "foolish pride"? If so, let go of the mirages that are your own plans and trade them for the real thing.

"Can't Stop The Dreaming"

Lyrics and music by Rhys Marsh

"Can't stop the dreaming, fuelled by desire
The ever unknowing, can't stop the dreams

Lights go out - I fall into the black
I will doubt all I've ever known

Can't stop the dreaming, lit by desire
The questions unknowing, can't stop the dreams

Lights go out - I fall into the black
I will doubt all I've ever known

And if this night stops, will I become what I've seen?

The future's coming, the past's returning
And I'm here, in the middle of the strangest place..."

I really like those last two lines. So appropriate for my life now. The future's coming; I know I can't stop it; in fact, I don't want to stop it. But right now I'm just in the strangest place...and it sure is hard to deal with sometimes.

First post

Ok. I finally gave in. As anyone who knows me will attest, I hate technology. I hate cell phones...and normal phones for that matter. I have NEVER had an meaningful conversation over the phone. And I especially hate texting. Blogging is somewhere not too far down on my blacklist of modern technological innovations that are slowly destroying personal communication in the world. My first step into this was a cell phone only four years ago...then a myspace...and of course that was old hat before too long...so a facebook shortly thereafter. And I've finally given in to blogging as well. Life was so much cleaner and simpler without all this stuff. I would much rather sit down and have a real, genuine, intimate conversation with my good friends than post my thoughts here on some blog that's out in the nebulous cyber world. And I know I'm old-fashioned...people think I'm crazy to write with a fountain pen and wear a hand-wound mechanical watch...but there's something comfortingly personal about these things. There's a warmth to these things much like sitting down with people and having a real conversation. But I do live in the 21st century...and technology appears to be destroying the past and my old-fashioned ways...so here I go...yet another step. So why am I doing this anyway? Because after July 27 I'll be in Richmond, Virginia for training to be a missionary in Ecuador. And then I'll be in Ecuador for two years. And for all that time I'll be out of personal communication. So I want to keep everyone filled in on what's going on in my life and this seems to be the best way now that even e-mail is considered old. I'll try to have something somewhat important or at least interesting to say...mainly spiritual stuff but I'm sure there'll be plenty of rants like tonight's. Oh, and sorry to disappoint but I have nothing profound or spiritual to say on this first post...just my rant on how technology is the bane of existence. Maybe I'll have something profound next time...