"And shall I pray Thee change Thy will?"

"And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father,
Until it be according unto mine?
But no, Lord, no; that never shall be, rather
I pray Thee, blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pray Thee, soothe the pangs of keen desire,
See in my quiet places wishes thronging --
Forbid them, Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure,
Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,
Tarry content my Wellbeloved's leisure
At last, at last, even as a weened child."

This was written by Nathan Brown, a missionary to Burma in the 1800's. I found it while reading through "Shadow of the Almighty". It was a common prayer from Jim and Elisabeth during their uncertain times before leaving for Ecuador. So much uncertainty, doubt, longing, desire, and on, and on, and on. Lord, that the prayer will be true for my life just as you were so obviously faithful to it in the Elliot's.

"Have I an object, Lord, below?"

"Have I an object, Lord, below
Which would divide my heart with Thee?
Which would divert its even flow
In answer to Thy constancy
O teach me quickly to return,
And cause my heart afresh to burn.

Have I a hope, however dear,
Which would defer Thy coming, Lord--
Which would detain my spirit here
Where naught can lasting joy afford?
From it, my Savior, set me free
To look and long and wait for Thee.

Be thou the object bright and fair
To fill and satisfy the heart,
My hope to meet Thee in the air,
And nevermore from Thee to part;
That I may undistracted be
To follow, serve, and wait for Thee."
--G.W. Frazer

Reading this old hymn this morning makes me realize, yet again, how very distacted and divided I am in my devotion to the Lord. Even more so as I read of Jim Elliot's life in "Shadow Of The Almighty". That man was utterly devoted to the Lord. He had a singleness of mind that I want just a piece of. Comparing my life to his (not that it is necessarily the apogee of the Christian life, but certainly an excellent model to strive for) I find some similarities, some areas where I know I have eliminated distractions from the Lord. But there are so many more areas that must still be trimmed down so that I may devote more and more of myself to Him. How to do this I am still not exactly sure. There is no recipe or easy way to go about it. Everything that is in my life now is important to me in some way or another. But I'm finding that it's a matter of HOW important these things are to me. I love music. I spend quite a bit of time listening to it and looking for more of it. And music has served a purpose. It has spoken to me time and again. And God has spoken to me through it. But more and more I feel that it is now a distraction. And the same for reading history. I love history. I love to learn about it and understand the flow of it and how it has shaped people and events and places. But the time for making it a priority in my life has passed. While I was in school it was necessary; now it is another distraction from time in prayer or the Word. But paring these things down will be difficult. I've spent years and years making them a priority and it won't be easy to reverse this process. But the Lord is showing me that He has other things that I need to be doing to prepare for the future. Jim Elliot's example here is particularly wonderful. I have a Spanish Bible that I need to be reading much more frequently than I am. How much greater could my impact in Ecuador be if I know all my favorite Sciptures in Spanish? As of now I have only memorized a 2 pitiful verses, John 3:16 and Romans 3:23. Elliot was studying Greek and Spanish and indigenous Indian languages years before he ever left for the misison field. And it served him very well once he got there. I could go on and on about this because there are just so many things that need to change in my life, but sitting here discussing the issue is not changing it. It's time to get serious and disciplined and cut all the flab in my life. God has given me the unbelievable privelige of going to another country to serve has His witness; I have done absolutely nothing to deserve this, so how can I do any less than be prepared for the job?

VIII: Styx

"Sunlight is drowning in the halflight
As the feelings return
Stange and familiar, a nocturnal fear
Appearing and disappearing

There is a river running deep
And it is floating through the veins
A nameless dread of the unknown
Temporary sight, an apprehension
Vague yet saddening

Black angels guiding me
The sum of all my fears
Black angels owning me
Whispering through me

Last night I heard the waters dreaming
Stones were fast asleep along the riverbed

Let the waters wash all over me and let me dream again
Of something good

Let me dream of sheltered places, of precious moments
And of long-lost faces, of truthful words that finally do make some sense

Lay out these maps before me
Let me trace again the borderlines of land and sea

Flood the tidepools and wash away the shores
No longer at the mercy of the waves, just let me breathe again

Let me stand and bathe in the healing light
And one more time let me navigate, just let me navigate by the stars

Roads and rivers are winding in a circle
Around the same old headstrong me
Outside looking in time and again
Feeling the heat of a recurring dream"

Wow...so this is one of my favorite songs ever. This song absolutely speaks to me and to who I am. Sometimes I have such a hard time overanalyzing things. I spend way too much time trying to analyze the future and figure out what it gonna happen when I just need to trust God. Just like in the song, I feel that "nameless dread of the unknown". But He has a plan. Instead of letting all the worries beat againt me like the waves in the ocean, I just need to stand up above them and trust God. In the terms of the lyricist, "just let me navigate by the stars". It's all in His hands.

VII: Lighthouse

"And where will we be tomorrow
If we do not leave today?

The more we wait for things to change
The more they stay the same
And the more they stay the same
We change

With all the floodgates opened
Walls of water at our heels
Where do we go from here?
Where will we turn to?
With all the shouldered load
With all the limitless possibilities

Like birds of passage flying free
Aimlessly soaring
Between time and space, sorrow and joy

Through the night and undergrowth
We set out for the sea
Peering, absorbing, consuming
And nothing's ever good enough

No river too wide
No ocean too deep
No mountain too high
The myriads of open roads

Wayfarers at the crossroads
There's always more than this, never more than this
Eyes elude the landmarks
And the flame is swallowed now

No river too wide
No ocean too deep
No mountain too high
The myriads of open roads

Every river too owide
Every ocean too deep
Every mountain too high
The myriads of open roads"

VI: To The Ones Who Have Failed

"Somehwere in a city, somewhere in a room
A silent man, a work undone, a plan that went astray
Somewhere in the lifetime of a yearning reverie
Words have lost their meaning on the fragile stage of time

The sky is starless for the ones who have failed
Going nowhere, nowhere to go
Life has no kindness to the ones who have failed
Go somewhere, anywhere but home

Sky without stars
Stars without sky
Sky without stars
Stars without sky

Somewhere in a wasteland, on a windy railway bridge
A desperate girl is looking down on all she'll leave behind
Somewhere in a subway, a vacant name, an unknown face
Another everyday disgrace in the roundabouts of life

The sky is starless for the ones who have failed
Going nowhere, nowhere to go
Life has no kindness for the ones who have failed
Going somewhere, anywhere but home"

Well, this song just happened to be the next one in order on the album I've been posting, but it sure came along at just the right time. Yesterday was Sunday and this song really made me think some more about the sermon that was preached. One of the things that really convicted me in the sermon was about how we, as Christians, have to actually slow down, reach out, and personally show kindness and love to people before we have much chance of sharing the Gospel with them. And one of the first things that came to my mind was homeless people. And this song seems to reinforce that. What really breaks my heart is that I want to be able to do a lot more for these people who have such great need. But I feel like my life is just soooo busy that I can't hardly break away to do it. A couple weeks or so ago, me and a friend of mine went downtown and bought some homeless people dinner and just sat outside and talked and hung out with them for a about an hour. It was one of the most meaningful times and it's something I want to do more often. But I find myself not slowing down enough to do it. But I have to. If not for homeless people then for just the people who are around me every day everywhere I go. I have to slow down enough to show them the kindness and love of Christ. Because the song is right, there really is no kindness in life for the ones who have failed. Or even the ones who have all the success in the world, but still have a big hole in their lives. There's just the love of Christ reaching out through ordinary people like you and me. But am I showing it?

V: Blue Wide Open

"The sky is blue wide open
A grand vision to sink into
Lonely views to stir the eyes
Moments of grace outside of the real

The sea is blue wide open
Completeness all around
One step further and the weight gives way
To all the dreams that are

Just like an echo of light
Canned in the heart of a stone
A wayward pulse beating in the stillness
Beneath the snow something's breaking through"